Pain Pain Go Away

I've come to realize the pain I'm feeling is a little more serious than I cared to admit. It's time I stopped denying it and did something about it, although it may be too late.

Early in my pregnancy I realized I didn't have the right to complain about pregnancy symptoms. A baby loss mother expressed her opinion that those who are able to conceive don't have anything to complain about. As if I should be happy enough that I was able to produce another pregnancy (regardless of the outcome of my previous pregnancy or the struggles I went through to get pregnant in the first place.) Nothing else should matter.

This statement has been embedded in my brain. When people asked in passing how I was doing I would simply smile and say fine. I was pregnant again! Without help from fertility meds, without timing intercourse down to the day... hour... minute. I was pregnant even though my last baby had died inside of me. That was enough for rejoice right? No need to mention the nausea, the headaches, the back pain, the constant nagging fear that my baby could be taken again. Without so much as a warning; a cramp or a bleed. No need to mention the lack of sleep because nightmares of demons sweeping my baby away. The inability to wipe without inspecting the tissue for blood. Who cared about all of that. I was pregnant and I should shut up and be thankful for what God has given me (even if it is only temporary.)

Recently I realized I shouldn't have to suffer. I shouldn't feel bad that I was able to conceive (and so quickly, without trying) after Willow died. I shouldn't carry the burden of guilt for all those women who suffered a loss, or were never able to conceive in the first place.

Guess what? My back hurts. The pain is tremendous. Radiating down my right buttock into my leg. I walk with a limp. Kind of like a waddling duck with a limp. 2 months of chiropractic care couldn't help. Dr.s shrugged their shoulders and spoke highly of post-pregnancy care or surgery. I recently visited a highly recommended physical therapist. She was clearly upset when she explained that she could not help me. Possibly a re-injured herniated disc caused by pressure or movement from my pelvis. My only option is "pain management". They seem to think Vicodin is safe during pregnancy. And a "Wheelchair is not such a bad idea" or "Bed rest." This scares me. So I take Tylenol, attempt to do my therapeutic exercises and try to smile and keep my mouth shut. No need to complain that it takes me minutes to roll out of bed, just to use the bathroom. Nobody wants to hear about my husband helping me put my pants on or that I can't take my daughter to the park or walk my dog. I will just suffer in silence and pray to God that the moment I deliver my healthy, baby boy this pain leaves me along with the placenta.