Saturday, December 26, 2009

Goodbye '09

Well, we made it through another holiday. I'm glad it's over, but it was good to see how happy the kids were with their presents. Terrell was very pleased with his Envy Touch cell phone and Xbox and it looked like Disney threw up in our living room. Now Olivia will really think she is a princess. As 2010 approaches, I have been reflecting on 2009 and what I hope to accomplish in 2010. After changing my mind many times (sometimes almost daily) we have decided to try to conceive another baby. I'm looking forward to my consultation with a Reproductive Endocrinologist on January 6th. I'm hoping she can offer more support and her expertise on PCOS.

As we prepare ourselves to deal with the ups and downs of infertility I still can't stop thinking about Willow. There is no way I can replace our littlest girl! We were planning to get the girls' room ready after Christmas, but now we only have one little girl. It's also hard to be supportive of all my pregnant friends or those who have newborns. I feel guilty for feeling jealousy at times, but I should be preparing to deliver my baby girl in 12 weeks.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Life Goes On

Is it possible that everyone has moved on except for me? It's as if time has been standing still. There are still those subtle reminders. Things so minuscule, I shouldn't even pay attention to. But they are the elephant in the room for me. I want to move on... I'm ready, but I don't think my heart will allow me.

Yesterday I met with my Ob/Gyn for my follow up. She told me that Willow's genetic testing shows that she was "normal". How could my baby be normal if she is dead and gone? I made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I'm hoping she can give me some more insight. I don't know what would hurt more... Not knowing what went wrong or knowing there is something wrong with my body (besides the PCOS).

Recently a friend lost her husband of 44 years. She seemed so at peace knowing her husband was with God. I wish I had her strength and faith.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


I carried you inside my womb until the 21st week
When I heard the news, I could not speak
Your tiny heart beat no more
When I heard those words, my heart tore
I blamed myself even though they told me no
It was my job to protect you so

Willow Rose, our beautiful baby
I dream of what you would have been lately
I counted your ten perfect fingers and toes
They dressed you in delicate, crocheted clothes
Your miniature body lay lifeless
They tell me, you have two children, you're already blessed

I yearn everyday for my little girl
The days since I lost you are still a blur
All that is tangible are your ashes in an urn
Dried up funeral flowers; carnations, roses and ferns
All I have are dreams of what you would have been
My hope is in heaven, I will hold you again

Monday, November 16, 2009

Don't Forget

Will and I seem to be living in this bubble. Yes, we lost our baby girl... yes, we will get through this one day... yes, we want to enjoy each other and our friends again. We plead with you, don't avoid us like the plague. It's okay if you don't know what to say... neither do we. It's okay to tell a joke... we want to laugh. It's okay to just be there and say nothing, say anything, hug us or distract us, but please oh please, don't ignore us.

We know better than anyone that losing a baby is hard. We are living it. We don't want to lose our friends. Don't expect us to get over it. Everyday we wake up and relive our loss like we just woke up from a nightmare. EPT commercials, baby departments and crying babies almost become unbearable.

The pain from birth is still fresh in my mind. I slowly recover only to find my milk has come in days after I left the hospital. As we walk the aisles at Target like two zombies, a baby cries and my breasts ache. It's almost too much to handle.

And in the midst of all our pain, some forget that Will has lost a child too. His pain is different from mine, but very much the same. He named our baby Willow, long before we knew she was a girl. He spoke to her and rubbed my belly at night and talked about all his dreams for Olivia and Willow and Terrell. Now he's an outsider looking in. Trying to be there for me, but not sure what he should do. He kisses me everyday, soft gentle kisses on the forehead as he tells me over and over, "I love you". And I know he does. I always have, but I've never felt his love like this before.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Sleeping on Tear-Soaked Pillows

Willow Rose Wardlow was stillborn on November 12th, 2009 @ 7:03pm. She was 7.87 inches and only a mere 4 ounces. She is in God's arms, but she will always be in our hearts.

The days since Tuesday, November 10th have been a blur. What was supposed to be a happy day turned tragic. Will met me at the Dr's office, CD-R in hand. We were ready to get pictures and video of our baby girl, but instead we heard the words... "Your baby's heart is no longer beating". I couldn't stop crying as Will tried to keep his strength and ask every question he could think of. We were told the baby had stopped growing around 17 weeks. We don't know for sure how long she had been dead. How could this happen?

We delivered her 3 days later at St. Joseph Hospital. I held her tiny fingers in my hand and cradled her miniature body as I tried to memorize every feature. All the dreams I had for my baby vanished. Everything seemed surreal, like a bad dream. Dear God, please let me wake up.

Days later, my milk came in. Another horrible reminder of our baby who was lost. We avoid saying the word "baby" so Olivia doesn't talk about being a big sister or the baby in mommy's tummy. We are just hoping she forgets. But we know we will never forget our baby girl, Willow.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Another Girl on the Way!

Looks like Miss LiLi will have some competition. Today I had a scheduled Dr's appointment. I actually didn't even tell Will I had an appointment because I knew he was so busy at work. So it was just me and Olivia. Usually these appointments are routine and pretty boring, so I didn't think it would be a big deal if Olivia tagged along. Well 5 minutes into the exam the Dr couldn't detect the baby's heartbeat. I knew something was wrong and I began to panic (on the inside). This was the first appointment I have ever been to without Will! I was wishing he was there at that very moment!!

When I was back in the waiting room, I sent Will a text letting him know what was going on. I didn't want to make him worry, but I knew he would help calm me down. He immediately called back and was ready to drive to the Dr, but I told him "No".

Thank God the ultrasound tech found the heartbeat right away. Baby looks good! She determined (with much confidence) that it was a girl. I was very excited to hear that, but I was sad Will wasn't there to find out at the same time. I called him as soon as it was over and he was so excited about another "Baby girl"! I didn't care what sex the baby was, but in a way I am sort of sad knowing it's not a boy. At the same time I am thrilled it's another girl. She will share a room with Olivia (and clothes!) and I really hope they are the best of friends!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Second Trimester

Goodbye nausea! I wish I could say the same about these headaches, but I'm glad to have my energy back. Lord knows I need it to chase after Olivia. I'm really excited to be pregnant again (for the last time ; ) After struggling with infertility due to PCOS, we see it as a blessing we are able to have just one more! Terrell took the news pretty well and Olivia doesn't understand what's to come, but she is happy to announce she's going to have a baby sister (or brother) to anyone that will listen. The sex changes each time you ask her. We think she will be a good big sister. According to her daycare teachers, Olivia is the "Mama" of the classroom. Always looking after the other kids and keeping them out of trouble. She is also very much into feeding, diapering and rocking her babydolls. Hopefully that is a sign we have a good helper on our hands!

We will soon have to transistion Olivia into a "Big Girl" bed and I pray she is potty trained before the baby comes. It seems like we have so much to accomplish in such little time. I am only 3 1/2 months, but that means we only have 6 months or so to go! We haven't purchased anything because we are waiting for the ultrasound in Novemeber. The BIG one that can tell us if we are bringing another girl into this world or a boy. I don't mind either way and Will says he doesn't either. (Terrell wants another sister so Olivia can occupy her time)

We will just have to wait and see....
By the way, this picture was taken at Angie and Brandon's wedding. Olivia was the flower girl (her dress was trashed by this point in the night, so we changed her clothes). She had taken lots of pictures and she didn't have a nap so she had a breakdown. We can't help but laugh at the picture!