Saturday, December 26, 2009

Goodbye '09

Well, we made it through another holiday. I'm glad it's over, but it was good to see how happy the kids were with their presents. Terrell was very pleased with his Envy Touch cell phone and Xbox and it looked like Disney threw up in our living room. Now Olivia will really think she is a princess. As 2010 approaches, I have been reflecting on 2009 and what I hope to accomplish in 2010. After changing my mind many times (sometimes almost daily) we have decided to try to conceive another baby. I'm looking forward to my consultation with a Reproductive Endocrinologist on January 6th. I'm hoping she can offer more support and her expertise on PCOS.

As we prepare ourselves to deal with the ups and downs of infertility I still can't stop thinking about Willow. There is no way I can replace our littlest girl! We were planning to get the girls' room ready after Christmas, but now we only have one little girl. It's also hard to be supportive of all my pregnant friends or those who have newborns. I feel guilty for feeling jealousy at times, but I should be preparing to deliver my baby girl in 12 weeks.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Life Goes On

Is it possible that everyone has moved on except for me? It's as if time has been standing still. There are still those subtle reminders. Things so minuscule, I shouldn't even pay attention to. But they are the elephant in the room for me. I want to move on... I'm ready, but I don't think my heart will allow me.

Yesterday I met with my Ob/Gyn for my follow up. She told me that Willow's genetic testing shows that she was "normal". How could my baby be normal if she is dead and gone? I made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I'm hoping she can give me some more insight. I don't know what would hurt more... Not knowing what went wrong or knowing there is something wrong with my body (besides the PCOS).

Recently a friend lost her husband of 44 years. She seemed so at peace knowing her husband was with God. I wish I had her strength and faith.