Monday, January 25, 2010


Today I had my HSG and my uterus shape looks good and my tubes are all clear. A HSG is a test where dye is inserted through a catheter into the uterus to view the shape of the uterus and make sure that the fallopian tubes are not blocked.

Now, can you picture me in a hospital gown that could barely cover Paris Hilton, with my tush hanging out the back and socks and tennis shoes on? It was quite a site! Why wouldn't I feel uncomfortable. Then I had to lay down on the cold, hard xray table with my vajayjay airing out in the open in front of the Radiology Techs, my Dr and the Radiologist. I don't know what I was more afraid of, the pain or losing my dignity. I guess during that moment I was more afraid of the pain because I lost my dignity between the births of my children! I'm happy to say I have no blockages and it wasn't nearly as painful as I had expected.

What's next? Dr. H. wants Will to have another sperm analysis since his last one was from a year ago. Will isn't too thrilled about this request. That's just too bad though. I've been filled with gut-wrenching meds, poked and prodded and all Will has to do is make love to a cup. I'm sure he will survive.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Letter to My Daughter

Dear Willow,

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. The day I delivered you is forever etched in my mind. I cradled your tiny body and wept as I tried to memorize every feature through the rain. I dream of who you would have been had you been given the chance to live. Would you be outgoing like your dad, look identical to your big sister, look up to your big brother, or be stubborn like your mother? I yearn for you everyday as I count down the days to your due date. Only you're already gone. I try to be strong during the day and I cry myself to sleep at night. Your Daddy tries to comfort me, the only way he knows how. I will never forget the sadness in his eyes as he rocked your limp body as if you were still here with us that night.

All I have to hold on to are crocheted clothes and my memories of your too short life. We tried so hard to conceive and we were elated once we knew you were coming. Your father called you Willow before we knew you were even a girl, but he had a feeling.

I'm sorry if I did anything wrong. I'm so sorry I didn't always remember to take my prenatal vitamins and for drinking too much caffeine. Most of all I regret not knowing something was wrong until it was too late. Knowing you could have passed away weeks before is the worst feeling I have to carry with me. I have so much guilt even though the Doctor said nothing could have been done. It was my job to protect you.

As we try to conceive another baby I want you to know, that NO baby will ever replace you. We want YOU to be here with us. Please look after your little brother or sister and help them make it to us safely. Your brother Terrell is very sad you are gone and misses you very much. Olivia is very young now, but we will make sure that she knows she has been a big sister for a long time! We will always honor and remember you and I can't wait to hold you again in heaven.

Love you always and forever,

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Trying Again

2010 has taken an interesting turn. Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. The entire family was sick and we possibly had a strain of H1N1 invading our house! I'm finally starting to feel better, but Terrell and I still have a nasty cough and sore throat that has come and gone for almost 4 weeks now.

Beginning in February I will start training for my new position as a Merchandise Specialist in the Buying Office. Anyone who knows me, knows that this is a position I have had my eye on for some time now. I felt it was time to take a leap and I'm glad I did.

I had my appointment with my new Reproductive Endocrinologist on January 6th. Dr Hayes seems very down to earth and I feel like this may be a great relationship. After reviewing my chart, she has decided we can start trying to conceive as early as February. Dr Hayes is starting by having some bloodwork done and an ultrasound. I will go back on the 25th for the dreaded HSG. HSG or hysterosalpingogram is a test where dye is injected into the uterus and xrays are taken to make sure both fallopian tubes are clear. I've heard it can be very painful, but I'm hoping it's over quickly and both tubes are open! Beyond this I'm not sure what Dr Hayes' plan of action will be. Although I'm thinking Metformin + Clomid. We shall see. Now that we are trying to conceive again my days will be counted as DPOs (days past ovulation). TTC, OPK, BBT, TWW, HPT, BFP... here I come!

On that note, I'm missing Willow a lot lately. I feel sad as I get closer and closer to my EDD (estimated due date). I also feel like we are betraying her by trying to get pregnant again. We know we cannot replace Willow, but we are praying for another baby to fill our empty arms.

Friday, January 1, 2010

20 Wishes

1. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to mention my baby. Just telling me you don't know what to say is okay. Sometimes I just need someone to listen.

2. I wish that you wouldn't make it awkward for me to talk about my baby. Just because I cry doesn't mean I don't want to talk about her.

3. I wish you wouldn't forget my baby. It's okay to bring her up more than once. She's on my mind everyday.

4. I wish you wouldn't think of my baby as one bad memory. I have many good memories of all the days I was pregnant. All the love I feel for my baby could never be considered a bad memory.

5. I wish you wouldn't pretend my baby didn't really exist. She was very real.

6. I wish you wouldn't assume I should be over this. Grief is very personal and everybody handles it differently.

7. I wish you wouldn't think that just because I'm having a good day that I'm "over it". I may smile and laugh and get through the day, just to cry myself to sleep at night.

8. I wish you wouldn't avoid me. Isolation only makes things harder to deal with.

9. I wish you would be patient with me.

10. I wish you would call my baby by her name, Willow.

11. I wish you wouldn't put a time limit on my grief.

12. I wish you would understand that although you may not have had the chance to see my baby, she is very real. I felt her, I smelled her and I held her.

13. I wish you would remember important dates such as her birth date or my due date. I will be thinking of her a lot during these days and I would like to know you have not forgotten.

14. I wish you would understand that losing my baby has changed me. I will never be the exact same person I was before.

15. I wish you wouldn't "remind" me that I have two other children. I know I have two children that I have already been blessed with, but I want my third baby as well. My children are not interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn't tell me about your neighbor's sister's best friend who lost 20 babies before carrying one to term.

17. I wish you wouldn't think that giving me "space" is the answer. You may be my only support system.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women and newborns is uncomfortable to me. The truth is, I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn't say "It was meant to be" or "She's better off now". I don't think of it that way. I think my baby would be better off with me. That's how things were meant to be!

20. I wish you would understand that just because we are trying again doesn't mean we are trying to replace our baby. There is no guarantee that we will get pregnant again. And if we do, we will be anxious as we approach every milestone... second trimester, the date we lost Willow, etc... We will remain hopeful, but we will still fear that something could go wrong again.