Monday, August 23, 2010


I want to remind everyone of the "Follow" gadget on my page. This will allow you to get updates from my blog. This will be especially handy when the baby decides to arrive... you can be one of the first to know.

I know a lot of my readers may venture here from other websites, including I know how hard it can be read about another mom's pregnancy journey after suffering a loss. Believe me, I've been there. But as a mother who has lost a baby, I could use the support of my fellow baby loss mamas. As I approach my due date, I still feel scared, unsure and anxious. And carrying this baby does not make me miss Willow Rose any less. I often cry for her because I miss her terribly.

And as always, comments are always welcome.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

31 Weeks

Another Pregnancy Quiz as I approach my 8th month!

How far along: 31 weeks.

Who knows: I thought everyone did. I was surprised when a coworker just realized yesterday that I was expecting.

Symptoms: BACK PAIN!... it radiates through my right buttock into my right leg. It's pretty miserable.

Total weight gain: Not much actually.

Maternity clothes: Do they make maternity shoes?

Stretch marks: I can't tell whats new and whats old.

Sleep: I'm exhausted! Sometimes I think I may have to tape my eyelids open. However, I can't sleep at night due to the back (leg, hip) pain. I'm now taking TylenolPM for a little bit of shut eye... between bathroom breaks of course.

Best moment last week: Picking up my maternity belt from the physical therapist. I am not pain-free, but even 10% less pain is better than nothing.

Movement: Lots of movement. His schedule has changed and I'm worried he may be a night owl.

Food cravings: Cereal, chocolate, yogurt with strawberries and granola.

Belly Button in or out: IN!

What I miss: Being able to walk without looking like a penguin... being able to walk period! Sleep! High heels.

What I am looking forward to: Next week's appointment where I will beg (maybe bribe) my Dr. to induce me early or schedule a c-section!

Milestones: There is an end in sight.

How is daddy? The other day I called Daddy from work. He was at home watching TLC's A Baby Story. He told me all about the episode and expressed his fear. Never mind that I'm the one who has to deliver this baby!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

You Do the Math

I've been thinking about how long this pregnancy has seemed to carry on. Which brought me the beginning of this journey. When I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) only 7 weeks after I lost Willow, I vowed that I would not waste my energy worrying. Of course that was easier said than done. When I managed to approach my 2nd trimester without a mental breakdown I was quite proud of myself. But I felt I was slowly losing hope when I lingered around the 21 week mark, when I lost Willow. With God's strength and my husband's support I made it to 30 weeks!

Now that I'm nearing the end of what will be my last pregnancy I have a mixed bag of emotions. I still won't feel safe until this baby has arrived safely from my womb and I am holding him in my arms. And who am I kidding, even then I will worry! I also feel sadness that this will be my last pregnancy. The last time I get to feel baby ninja kicks in my ribs. The last time I get to eat ice cream without feeling guilty. But I'm also anxiously anticipating the arrival of this baby boy just to have some relief from this terrible back pain. The pain associated with this pregnancy has made it one of the worst pregnancies I've experienced (except for losing Willow of course). I thought I was so lucky when I didn't experience nausea for the first time out of all my pregnancies. What I wouldn't give for some vomiting if it meant I could actually walk without pain again. But as I sit here and feel a little sorry for myself (as my husband cooks his 7th meal straight, along with a special dish for me to take to work tomorrow) I remind myself that this is no normal pregnancy. I almost feel as if I've been pregnant for a lifetime. So I did some math.

30 weeks pregnant, currently
7 weeks between this pregnancy and when I lost Willow
21.5 weeks pregnant when I lost Willow...

So I've almost been pregnant a total of 50 weeks, which is a little over a year. No wonder why I'm a little miserable. I plan to breastfeed a minimum of 6 months which also means I haven't had a drink in a little over an eternity! Just some food for thought.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Natalie grant held

I'm Not Alone

I just wanted to take the time to mention a very important website I recently discovered. has become such a part of my life. I can't believe there hasn't been a website like this before. It's sad to read everyone's story regarding their loss. Everyone's story is so different, but then again it's the same. We are a community of women... mothers, fathers, aunts, grandparents who have lost a child. The loss is not less significant because it happened during the third trimester, the second or just days after finding out about this tiny being growing inside.

A part of my healing process has been to talk about Willow Rose and her death. I know it makes some people uncomfortable, but some have embraced my courage. Some have taken the opportunity to ask questions. Some feel more comfortable to share their own story. I'm so thankful to be able to share my journey with others, but saddened by their losses.