You Do the Math

I've been thinking about how long this pregnancy has seemed to carry on. Which brought me the beginning of this journey. When I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) only 7 weeks after I lost Willow, I vowed that I would not waste my energy worrying. Of course that was easier said than done. When I managed to approach my 2nd trimester without a mental breakdown I was quite proud of myself. But I felt I was slowly losing hope when I lingered around the 21 week mark, when I lost Willow. With God's strength and my husband's support I made it to 30 weeks!

Now that I'm nearing the end of what will be my last pregnancy I have a mixed bag of emotions. I still won't feel safe until this baby has arrived safely from my womb and I am holding him in my arms. And who am I kidding, even then I will worry! I also feel sadness that this will be my last pregnancy. The last time I get to feel baby ninja kicks in my ribs. The last time I get to eat ice cream without feeling guilty. But I'm also anxiously anticipating the arrival of this baby boy just to have some relief from this terrible back pain. The pain associated with this pregnancy has made it one of the worst pregnancies I've experienced (except for losing Willow of course). I thought I was so lucky when I didn't experience nausea for the first time out of all my pregnancies. What I wouldn't give for some vomiting if it meant I could actually walk without pain again. But as I sit here and feel a little sorry for myself (as my husband cooks his 7th meal straight, along with a special dish for me to take to work tomorrow) I remind myself that this is no normal pregnancy. I almost feel as if I've been pregnant for a lifetime. So I did some math.

30 weeks pregnant, currently
7 weeks between this pregnancy and when I lost Willow
21.5 weeks pregnant when I lost Willow...

So I've almost been pregnant a total of 50 weeks, which is a little over a year. No wonder why I'm a little miserable. I plan to breastfeed a minimum of 6 months which also means I haven't had a drink in a little over an eternity! Just some food for thought.