10 Months

I'm almost at the halfway point. 5 months and 5 more to go. (You did know women are actually pregnant for 10 months not 9, right?) I'm also in the midst of the period in which I lost Willow. I have a lot of mixed emotions regarding the fast approaching anatomy scan. The 5 month ultrasound! The BIG one, where the tech confirms if it's a penis or vagina. The last 5 month ultrasound I went to I was ecstatic. I had already been told by the tech that my baby was a girl, but that didn't curb my excitement. I laid on the table quietly as the tech explained that she would do the "boring" stuff first since my darling hubby was late. I glanced over at the screen once and saw my baby's profile. The tech was uneasy and wasn't allowing me to see the screen. I could tell immediately something was wrong. She quickly printed some images. She wiped the gooey mess from my stomach and told me she would be back after showing the Dr some things first.

Not long after she abruptly left the room Will came bursting through the door with CD-R in hand. Anxious to see his baby girl. I began crying. Will couldn't understand why I was crying. I tried to explain that something wasn't right. Ultrasound techs don't run out of the room like that. The tech returned and asked us to follow her to the Dr's office. That's when I lost it. I sobbed because I knew at that moment she was gone. I blamed myself. How could I not know my baby had died inside of me?

These emotions are going to be strong and raw when I lay down on that table and wait to see my baby's beating heart on the screen. I could care less if my baby is a girl or a boy. I just want to see their tiny little heart beating away!