I went back to work today. It was a little disappointing to have to return to work and not be in the hospital with my brand new baby boy. I have to remind myself, I'm only 37 weeks. I didn't even think I would go before 39. I had a lot of surprised looks and answered a lot of questions about why I was there. But I did receive a nice surprise. The other Merchandise Specialists in my Division planned a lunch in my honor. There were yummy tacos and delicious mint brownies (a little too delicious) all for me... Well, I shared of course. They also presented me with a gift card to my favorite spa, Neroli. So I guess I'm glad I made it at least one more day.
I feel exhausted, even though I had a full 8 hours sleep. I have a tension headache, most likely from stress. I can feel a ton of pressure in my pelvis, especially when I walk. I know he must be coming soon!
4cm dilate
50% effaced
-2 Station
Cervix is soft
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
18 Days... and so much more
Today started like any other. I had a scheduled appointment with my Dr. Since Will had to be in court (for work), I had to take Olivia with me. Some contractions were picked up on the Non-Stress Test and my Dr confirmed I was dilated 4cm! So she wanted me to report to L&D within an hour. So I went, thinking she knew something I didn't. I had felt uncomfortable all morning and had increased pressure in my pelvis, so I went home to pack my bag. The very bag I've been nagging Will to help me pack for at least 2 weeks.
I called my mom to pick up Olivia since I only live 5 minutes from the hospital. I called Will and explained that I needed to go to the hospital. I packed my bag and Olivia's and waited... and waited... and waited. I wondered what was taking Will so long. Then I received a call from him asking where was I. He went straight to the hospital... without me! Ugh!
After monitoring contractions and Baby Boy's heartbeat, walking the halls, more monitoring, it was determined that my contractions were not strong enough. They were also inconsistent. So I was sent home. It's a little disappointing, but I also wanted to yell at the nurse, "I didn't ask to be here!" It's just a reminder why I want to wait until my contractions are 5 minutes apart before I head to the hospital. So there is no misunderstanding that I AM in labor!
While walking the halls Will and I passed by a door with a picture taped to it. There was no denying what that picture stood for. It has been less than a year since we were behind a door with the same picture of a fallen leaf with a single teardrop, taped to our door. The image is used to communicate to staff that the woman behind the door has lost her baby. Maybe she came to the hospital knowing she would be induced so she can deliver her dead baby. Maybe she was full term, in labor and had expected to deliver a live baby that she would hold and cuddle. The mere sight of that image brought back so many memories for Will and I. We felt fearful, but hopeful about our baby's pending birth, but much sadness for that woman behind the door. We wished we could comfort her, but obviously we were helpless except for a prayer that the baby -loss mom behind the door would feel hope once again, also.
I called my mom to pick up Olivia since I only live 5 minutes from the hospital. I called Will and explained that I needed to go to the hospital. I packed my bag and Olivia's and waited... and waited... and waited. I wondered what was taking Will so long. Then I received a call from him asking where was I. He went straight to the hospital... without me! Ugh!
After monitoring contractions and Baby Boy's heartbeat, walking the halls, more monitoring, it was determined that my contractions were not strong enough. They were also inconsistent. So I was sent home. It's a little disappointing, but I also wanted to yell at the nurse, "I didn't ask to be here!" It's just a reminder why I want to wait until my contractions are 5 minutes apart before I head to the hospital. So there is no misunderstanding that I AM in labor!
While walking the halls Will and I passed by a door with a picture taped to it. There was no denying what that picture stood for. It has been less than a year since we were behind a door with the same picture of a fallen leaf with a single teardrop, taped to our door. The image is used to communicate to staff that the woman behind the door has lost her baby. Maybe she came to the hospital knowing she would be induced so she can deliver her dead baby. Maybe she was full term, in labor and had expected to deliver a live baby that she would hold and cuddle. The mere sight of that image brought back so many memories for Will and I. We felt fearful, but hopeful about our baby's pending birth, but much sadness for that woman behind the door. We wished we could comfort her, but obviously we were helpless except for a prayer that the baby -loss mom behind the door would feel hope once again, also.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
19 Days
My plan is to blog daily as Baby Boy's pending arrival draws closer. Since this is definitely my last pregnancy, I want to remember these last days (weeks?) until I hold my bundle of joy in my arms. I don't expect these posts to be very long or eventful, for that matter. But here I go!
19 Days until my due date. I feel fine. I've been sleeping pretty well at night, except for 1-2 trips to the bathroom. Overall, I cannot complain! I'm anxious about when or where I may go into labor. I know the chances of my water breaking at work (or in public) are slim, but just the thought of it scares me. Except for my Dr confirming dilation of 3cm, I haven't had any signs of labor yet.
19 Days until my due date. I feel fine. I've been sleeping pretty well at night, except for 1-2 trips to the bathroom. Overall, I cannot complain! I'm anxious about when or where I may go into labor. I know the chances of my water breaking at work (or in public) are slim, but just the thought of it scares me. Except for my Dr confirming dilation of 3cm, I haven't had any signs of labor yet.
Friday, October 1, 2010
37 Week Quiz
I'm pretty sure this will be my last pregnancy quiz! Dr thinks I will deliver VERY soon.
How far along: 37 weeks.
Who knows: Everyone! Complete strangers are constantly asking me when I'm due.
Symptoms: My back/leg/hip pain has dissipated as I approached my final weeks of pregnancy. Thank God!
Total weight gain: Still not much... Maybe less than 15 lbs.
Maternity clothes: As I got bigger and closer to my due date I got more creative with my clothing options because I was not willing to spend any more money on clothes I will only wear a few more weeks. I found that some of my regular shirts, sweater coats and dresses actually fit.
Stretch marks: I can't tell whats new and whats old.
Sleep: The exhaustion hit hard. Even more so than my first trimester. Sleep during the night is not that bad (except for a couple of bathroom breaks during the night).
Best moment last week: Dr confirmed I am dilated to 3cm on Tuesday! Woo Hoo! I had 2 surprise baby showers thanks to family, friends and co-workers.
Movement: I am very aware of every move Baby Boy makes or doesn't make! I almost called the Dr earlier this week because he was barely moving, but I drank cold water and that got him squirming around. I know he doesn't have much room in there.
Food cravings: Cereal, is the main one. I actually have an aversion to ice cream right now, which is very strange.
Belly Button in or out: In, but it has gotten wider.
What I miss: Honestly, sex! Husband cut me off a couple of weeks ago because he was fearful it would make the baby come faster. This week the Dr shut me down due to dilation.
What I am looking forward to: Monday's Dr appointment to find out if I dilated more. Plus I love the swish swish of his heartbeat, even though I hate sitting there for 30 minutes for the non-stress test.
Milestones: Today I am officially full-term.
How is daddy? Daddy has been very nervous about Baby Boy's pending arrival, but he admitted he may never be ready, so he has relaxed a bit!
How far along: 37 weeks.
Who knows: Everyone! Complete strangers are constantly asking me when I'm due.
Symptoms: My back/leg/hip pain has dissipated as I approached my final weeks of pregnancy. Thank God!
Total weight gain: Still not much... Maybe less than 15 lbs.
Maternity clothes: As I got bigger and closer to my due date I got more creative with my clothing options because I was not willing to spend any more money on clothes I will only wear a few more weeks. I found that some of my regular shirts, sweater coats and dresses actually fit.
Stretch marks: I can't tell whats new and whats old.
Sleep: The exhaustion hit hard. Even more so than my first trimester. Sleep during the night is not that bad (except for a couple of bathroom breaks during the night).
Best moment last week: Dr confirmed I am dilated to 3cm on Tuesday! Woo Hoo! I had 2 surprise baby showers thanks to family, friends and co-workers.
Movement: I am very aware of every move Baby Boy makes or doesn't make! I almost called the Dr earlier this week because he was barely moving, but I drank cold water and that got him squirming around. I know he doesn't have much room in there.
Food cravings: Cereal, is the main one. I actually have an aversion to ice cream right now, which is very strange.
Belly Button in or out: In, but it has gotten wider.
What I miss: Honestly, sex! Husband cut me off a couple of weeks ago because he was fearful it would make the baby come faster. This week the Dr shut me down due to dilation.
What I am looking forward to: Monday's Dr appointment to find out if I dilated more. Plus I love the swish swish of his heartbeat, even though I hate sitting there for 30 minutes for the non-stress test.
Milestones: Today I am officially full-term.
How is daddy? Daddy has been very nervous about Baby Boy's pending arrival, but he admitted he may never be ready, so he has relaxed a bit!
Friday, September 17, 2010
Boy Oh Boy!
I am thrilled to be so close to holding my baby boy. But as I think back to the day I found out he was a "He" I can't say I didn't feel a little cheated. I think I was expecting another girl mostly because I had been pregnant with a girl before we lost her unexpectedly. I know Willow could never be replaced, but I assumed this baby's sex would be the same.
Ironically, when I found out I was pregnant with Willow, I felt a little disconcerted when I found out she was a girl. I wasn't praying for one sex or another, but just knowing at that time, that I wouldn't have the chance to have another boy was a bit of a let down for me.
Either way, it has taken some time to embrace this baby's sex. Of course I wanted him healthy. That was the most important thing. And I was glad he was here, but it seemed that everything about a boy made things more difficult. Where he would sleep (he will initially share a room w/ his sister... which is pink by the way). Picking a name has been a challenge. However, the most disappointing part of delivering a bouncing, baby boy are the clothes! I know, they are just clothes. But why must everything be blue and have tiny footballs on it? So, I've been on a quest. Although Packer pajamas may not be avoidable, I will try to dress my baby boy as fashionable as possible. In the meantime, I found these at Baby Gap!
Ironically, when I found out I was pregnant with Willow, I felt a little disconcerted when I found out she was a girl. I wasn't praying for one sex or another, but just knowing at that time, that I wouldn't have the chance to have another boy was a bit of a let down for me.
Either way, it has taken some time to embrace this baby's sex. Of course I wanted him healthy. That was the most important thing. And I was glad he was here, but it seemed that everything about a boy made things more difficult. Where he would sleep (he will initially share a room w/ his sister... which is pink by the way). Picking a name has been a challenge. However, the most disappointing part of delivering a bouncing, baby boy are the clothes! I know, they are just clothes. But why must everything be blue and have tiny footballs on it? So, I've been on a quest. Although Packer pajamas may not be avoidable, I will try to dress my baby boy as fashionable as possible. In the meantime, I found these at Baby Gap!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
40 Days
My pregnancy ticker is reminding me I have a mere 40 days to go! Can you imagine? It seems like I have been pregnant forever... or at least a year. If you read my previous post this pregnancy combined with my previous pregnancy (RIP Willow) equals a total of 55 weeks of pregnancy, minus a 7 week hiatus. People ask me if I'm ready for it to be over, and I joke back that I can't wait! But truth be told, as much as I want to hold my baby boy in my arms, I'm not sure if I am ready for my pregnancy to end.
Weeks ago when my back/ hip/ leg pain was at it's worst I probably was ready for it all to be over with. But with every kick, jab or squirm I feel I feel a bit of sadness knowing that it's all about to come to an end. Since this is my last pregnancy I want to cherish the last 40 days of this pregnancy, which comes with lots of pros.
For 40 days I can wear elastic-waist maternity pants (which I absolutely dreaded in the beginning), I can be proud of my protruding belly, and my penguin-esque waddle. I can eat whatever I want, whether it's an extra helping of mashed potatoes or a piece of chocolate cake. And best of all I have a loving husband and caring son that dote on me and help out without complaint. Not to mention all the chores I get out of doing right now.
However, Baby Boy will need to meet the rest of the world very soon now. I can't wait to meet him and Olivia is absolutely anxious about his pending arrival.
Weeks ago when my back/ hip/ leg pain was at it's worst I probably was ready for it all to be over with. But with every kick, jab or squirm I feel I feel a bit of sadness knowing that it's all about to come to an end. Since this is my last pregnancy I want to cherish the last 40 days of this pregnancy, which comes with lots of pros.
For 40 days I can wear elastic-waist maternity pants (which I absolutely dreaded in the beginning), I can be proud of my protruding belly, and my penguin-esque waddle. I can eat whatever I want, whether it's an extra helping of mashed potatoes or a piece of chocolate cake. And best of all I have a loving husband and caring son that dote on me and help out without complaint. Not to mention all the chores I get out of doing right now.
However, Baby Boy will need to meet the rest of the world very soon now. I can't wait to meet him and Olivia is absolutely anxious about his pending arrival.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Pregnancy After Loss
It is so important to be understanding of the complex emotions of a subsequent pregnancy or raising a subsequent child after a loss. Just because you are thrilled that the bereaved parents are either pregnant again or have thankfully welcomed a healthy child into their lives, do not assume that they have “moved on”. There are many juxtapositions that can accompany a subsequent pregnancy and/or child:
- Joy vs. sadness.
- Excitement vs. worry.
- Gratitude vs. anger/grief.
- Being thankful for this new baby vs. still wanting their missing child.
- Being appreciative for being pregnant again vs. thinking about how this new baby and the timing of the subsequent pregnancy “should have never been” if the previous child had been okay.
- Trying to be hopeful that everything will be okay vs. being filled with anxiety and fear at every moment that something could go wrong.
Be aware of these feelings and ask the bereaved parents how they are doing both emotionally and physically during this process. Even once a healthy child has been fortunately brought into this world, there are usually bittersweet emotions that are tied to missing their child that died. In fact, some bereaved parents note that their grief takes on an entirely new meaning once they see and hold their healthy baby: it makes what they lost all the more tangible.
DON’T use any of the following statements in reference to the a subsequent pregnancy or a new baby:
- “See, this was the child you were meant to have.”
- “If not for your loss, you would never have had this perfect baby.”
- “If you are patient, everything works out for the best.”
- “Now you know there was a reason for what you went through.”
- “All of your worrying was silly – I told you everything would be fine with this one.”
- “Try not to think about that baby and focus on the one right in front of you.”
* In one way or another, all of these comments CAN trivialize the child who died, the depth of the loss, and/or the difficult process of healing.
.. Thanks to Sari for sharing this with me. Although Willow is no longer with us, she can never be forgotten. She will always be my third pregnancy; Olivia's little sister. Willow is always going to be our daughter and as much a part of our family as Terrell. I still feel much pain over the loss of Willow. Carrying this baby in my womb does not erase that pain.
- Joy vs. sadness.
- Excitement vs. worry.
- Gratitude vs. anger/grief.
- Being thankful for this new baby vs. still wanting their missing child.
- Being appreciative for being pregnant again vs. thinking about how this new baby and the timing of the subsequent pregnancy “should have never been” if the previous child had been okay.
- Trying to be hopeful that everything will be okay vs. being filled with anxiety and fear at every moment that something could go wrong.
Be aware of these feelings and ask the bereaved parents how they are doing both emotionally and physically during this process. Even once a healthy child has been fortunately brought into this world, there are usually bittersweet emotions that are tied to missing their child that died. In fact, some bereaved parents note that their grief takes on an entirely new meaning once they see and hold their healthy baby: it makes what they lost all the more tangible.
DON’T use any of the following statements in reference to the a subsequent pregnancy or a new baby:
- “See, this was the child you were meant to have.”
- “If not for your loss, you would never have had this perfect baby.”
- “If you are patient, everything works out for the best.”
- “Now you know there was a reason for what you went through.”
- “All of your worrying was silly – I told you everything would be fine with this one.”
- “Try not to think about that baby and focus on the one right in front of you.”
* In one way or another, all of these comments CAN trivialize the child who died, the depth of the loss, and/or the difficult process of healing.
.. Thanks to Sari for sharing this with me. Although Willow is no longer with us, she can never be forgotten. She will always be my third pregnancy; Olivia's little sister. Willow is always going to be our daughter and as much a part of our family as Terrell. I still feel much pain over the loss of Willow. Carrying this baby in my womb does not erase that pain.
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