My pregnancy ticker is reminding me I have a mere 40 days to go! Can you imagine? It seems like I have been pregnant forever... or at least a year. If you read my previous post this pregnancy combined with my previous pregnancy (RIP Willow) equals a total of 55 weeks of pregnancy, minus a 7 week hiatus. People ask me if I'm ready for it to be over, and I joke back that I can't wait! But truth be told, as much as I want to hold my baby boy in my arms, I'm not sure if I am ready for my pregnancy to end.
Weeks ago when my back/ hip/ leg pain was at it's worst I probably was ready for it all to be over with. But with every kick, jab or squirm I feel I feel a bit of sadness knowing that it's all about to come to an end. Since this is my last pregnancy I want to cherish the last 40 days of this pregnancy, which comes with lots of pros.
For 40 days I can wear elastic-waist maternity pants (which I absolutely dreaded in the beginning), I can be proud of my protruding belly, and my penguin-esque waddle. I can eat whatever I want, whether it's an extra helping of mashed potatoes or a piece of chocolate cake. And best of all I have a loving husband and caring son that dote on me and help out without complaint. Not to mention all the chores I get out of doing right now.
However, Baby Boy will need to meet the rest of the world very soon now. I can't wait to meet him and Olivia is absolutely anxious about his pending arrival.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Pregnancy After Loss
It is so important to be understanding of the complex emotions of a subsequent pregnancy or raising a subsequent child after a loss. Just because you are thrilled that the bereaved parents are either pregnant again or have thankfully welcomed a healthy child into their lives, do not assume that they have “moved on”. There are many juxtapositions that can accompany a subsequent pregnancy and/or child:
- Joy vs. sadness.
- Excitement vs. worry.
- Gratitude vs. anger/grief.
- Being thankful for this new baby vs. still wanting their missing child.
- Being appreciative for being pregnant again vs. thinking about how this new baby and the timing of the subsequent pregnancy “should have never been” if the previous child had been okay.
- Trying to be hopeful that everything will be okay vs. being filled with anxiety and fear at every moment that something could go wrong.
Be aware of these feelings and ask the bereaved parents how they are doing both emotionally and physically during this process. Even once a healthy child has been fortunately brought into this world, there are usually bittersweet emotions that are tied to missing their child that died. In fact, some bereaved parents note that their grief takes on an entirely new meaning once they see and hold their healthy baby: it makes what they lost all the more tangible.
DON’T use any of the following statements in reference to the a subsequent pregnancy or a new baby:
- “See, this was the child you were meant to have.”
- “If not for your loss, you would never have had this perfect baby.”
- “If you are patient, everything works out for the best.”
- “Now you know there was a reason for what you went through.”
- “All of your worrying was silly – I told you everything would be fine with this one.”
- “Try not to think about that baby and focus on the one right in front of you.”
* In one way or another, all of these comments CAN trivialize the child who died, the depth of the loss, and/or the difficult process of healing.
.. Thanks to Sari for sharing this with me. Although Willow is no longer with us, she can never be forgotten. She will always be my third pregnancy; Olivia's little sister. Willow is always going to be our daughter and as much a part of our family as Terrell. I still feel much pain over the loss of Willow. Carrying this baby in my womb does not erase that pain.
- Joy vs. sadness.
- Excitement vs. worry.
- Gratitude vs. anger/grief.
- Being thankful for this new baby vs. still wanting their missing child.
- Being appreciative for being pregnant again vs. thinking about how this new baby and the timing of the subsequent pregnancy “should have never been” if the previous child had been okay.
- Trying to be hopeful that everything will be okay vs. being filled with anxiety and fear at every moment that something could go wrong.
Be aware of these feelings and ask the bereaved parents how they are doing both emotionally and physically during this process. Even once a healthy child has been fortunately brought into this world, there are usually bittersweet emotions that are tied to missing their child that died. In fact, some bereaved parents note that their grief takes on an entirely new meaning once they see and hold their healthy baby: it makes what they lost all the more tangible.
DON’T use any of the following statements in reference to the a subsequent pregnancy or a new baby:
- “See, this was the child you were meant to have.”
- “If not for your loss, you would never have had this perfect baby.”
- “If you are patient, everything works out for the best.”
- “Now you know there was a reason for what you went through.”
- “All of your worrying was silly – I told you everything would be fine with this one.”
- “Try not to think about that baby and focus on the one right in front of you.”
* In one way or another, all of these comments CAN trivialize the child who died, the depth of the loss, and/or the difficult process of healing.
.. Thanks to Sari for sharing this with me. Although Willow is no longer with us, she can never be forgotten. She will always be my third pregnancy; Olivia's little sister. Willow is always going to be our daughter and as much a part of our family as Terrell. I still feel much pain over the loss of Willow. Carrying this baby in my womb does not erase that pain.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Follow
I want to remind everyone of the "Follow" gadget on my page. This will allow you to get updates from my blog. This will be especially handy when the baby decides to arrive... you can be one of the first to know.
I know a lot of my readers may venture here from other websites, including www.facesofloss.com. I know how hard it can be read about another mom's pregnancy journey after suffering a loss. Believe me, I've been there. But as a mother who has lost a baby, I could use the support of my fellow baby loss mamas. As I approach my due date, I still feel scared, unsure and anxious. And carrying this baby does not make me miss Willow Rose any less. I often cry for her because I miss her terribly.
And as always, comments are always welcome.
I know a lot of my readers may venture here from other websites, including www.facesofloss.com. I know how hard it can be read about another mom's pregnancy journey after suffering a loss. Believe me, I've been there. But as a mother who has lost a baby, I could use the support of my fellow baby loss mamas. As I approach my due date, I still feel scared, unsure and anxious. And carrying this baby does not make me miss Willow Rose any less. I often cry for her because I miss her terribly.
And as always, comments are always welcome.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
31 Weeks
Another Pregnancy Quiz as I approach my 8th month!
How far along: 31 weeks.
Who knows: I thought everyone did. I was surprised when a coworker just realized yesterday that I was expecting.
Symptoms: BACK PAIN!... it radiates through my right buttock into my right leg. It's pretty miserable.
Total weight gain: Not much actually.
Maternity clothes: Do they make maternity shoes?
Stretch marks: I can't tell whats new and whats old.
Sleep: I'm exhausted! Sometimes I think I may have to tape my eyelids open. However, I can't sleep at night due to the back (leg, hip) pain. I'm now taking TylenolPM for a little bit of shut eye... between bathroom breaks of course.
Best moment last week: Picking up my maternity belt from the physical therapist. I am not pain-free, but even 10% less pain is better than nothing.
Movement: Lots of movement. His schedule has changed and I'm worried he may be a night owl.
Food cravings: Cereal, chocolate, yogurt with strawberries and granola.
Belly Button in or out: IN!
What I miss: Being able to walk without looking like a penguin... being able to walk period! Sleep! High heels.
What I am looking forward to: Next week's appointment where I will beg (maybe bribe) my Dr. to induce me early or schedule a c-section!
Milestones: There is an end in sight.
How is daddy? The other day I called Daddy from work. He was at home watching TLC's A Baby Story. He told me all about the episode and expressed his fear. Never mind that I'm the one who has to deliver this baby!
How far along: 31 weeks.
Who knows: I thought everyone did. I was surprised when a coworker just realized yesterday that I was expecting.
Symptoms: BACK PAIN!... it radiates through my right buttock into my right leg. It's pretty miserable.
Total weight gain: Not much actually.
Maternity clothes: Do they make maternity shoes?
Stretch marks: I can't tell whats new and whats old.
Sleep: I'm exhausted! Sometimes I think I may have to tape my eyelids open. However, I can't sleep at night due to the back (leg, hip) pain. I'm now taking TylenolPM for a little bit of shut eye... between bathroom breaks of course.
Best moment last week: Picking up my maternity belt from the physical therapist. I am not pain-free, but even 10% less pain is better than nothing.
Movement: Lots of movement. His schedule has changed and I'm worried he may be a night owl.
Food cravings: Cereal, chocolate, yogurt with strawberries and granola.
Belly Button in or out: IN!
What I miss: Being able to walk without looking like a penguin... being able to walk period! Sleep! High heels.
What I am looking forward to: Next week's appointment where I will beg (maybe bribe) my Dr. to induce me early or schedule a c-section!
Milestones: There is an end in sight.
How is daddy? The other day I called Daddy from work. He was at home watching TLC's A Baby Story. He told me all about the episode and expressed his fear. Never mind that I'm the one who has to deliver this baby!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
You Do the Math
I've been thinking about how long this pregnancy has seemed to carry on. Which brought me the beginning of this journey. When I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) only 7 weeks after I lost Willow, I vowed that I would not waste my energy worrying. Of course that was easier said than done. When I managed to approach my 2nd trimester without a mental breakdown I was quite proud of myself. But I felt I was slowly losing hope when I lingered around the 21 week mark, when I lost Willow. With God's strength and my husband's support I made it to 30 weeks!
Now that I'm nearing the end of what will be my last pregnancy I have a mixed bag of emotions. I still won't feel safe until this baby has arrived safely from my womb and I am holding him in my arms. And who am I kidding, even then I will worry! I also feel sadness that this will be my last pregnancy. The last time I get to feel baby ninja kicks in my ribs. The last time I get to eat ice cream without feeling guilty. But I'm also anxiously anticipating the arrival of this baby boy just to have some relief from this terrible back pain. The pain associated with this pregnancy has made it one of the worst pregnancies I've experienced (except for losing Willow of course). I thought I was so lucky when I didn't experience nausea for the first time out of all my pregnancies. What I wouldn't give for some vomiting if it meant I could actually walk without pain again. But as I sit here and feel a little sorry for myself (as my husband cooks his 7th meal straight, along with a special dish for me to take to work tomorrow) I remind myself that this is no normal pregnancy. I almost feel as if I've been pregnant for a lifetime. So I did some math.
30 weeks pregnant, currently
7 weeks between this pregnancy and when I lost Willow
21.5 weeks pregnant when I lost Willow...
So I've almost been pregnant a total of 50 weeks, which is a little over a year. No wonder why I'm a little miserable. I plan to breastfeed a minimum of 6 months which also means I haven't had a drink in a little over an eternity! Just some food for thought.
Now that I'm nearing the end of what will be my last pregnancy I have a mixed bag of emotions. I still won't feel safe until this baby has arrived safely from my womb and I am holding him in my arms. And who am I kidding, even then I will worry! I also feel sadness that this will be my last pregnancy. The last time I get to feel baby ninja kicks in my ribs. The last time I get to eat ice cream without feeling guilty. But I'm also anxiously anticipating the arrival of this baby boy just to have some relief from this terrible back pain. The pain associated with this pregnancy has made it one of the worst pregnancies I've experienced (except for losing Willow of course). I thought I was so lucky when I didn't experience nausea for the first time out of all my pregnancies. What I wouldn't give for some vomiting if it meant I could actually walk without pain again. But as I sit here and feel a little sorry for myself (as my husband cooks his 7th meal straight, along with a special dish for me to take to work tomorrow) I remind myself that this is no normal pregnancy. I almost feel as if I've been pregnant for a lifetime. So I did some math.
30 weeks pregnant, currently
7 weeks between this pregnancy and when I lost Willow
21.5 weeks pregnant when I lost Willow...
So I've almost been pregnant a total of 50 weeks, which is a little over a year. No wonder why I'm a little miserable. I plan to breastfeed a minimum of 6 months which also means I haven't had a drink in a little over an eternity! Just some food for thought.
Friday, August 13, 2010
I'm Not Alone
I just wanted to take the time to mention a very important website I recently discovered. www.facesofloss.com has become such a part of my life. I can't believe there hasn't been a website like this before. It's sad to read everyone's story regarding their loss. Everyone's story is so different, but then again it's the same. We are a community of women... mothers, fathers, aunts, grandparents who have lost a child. The loss is not less significant because it happened during the third trimester, the second or just days after finding out about this tiny being growing inside.
A part of my healing process has been to talk about Willow Rose and her death. I know it makes some people uncomfortable, but some have embraced my courage. Some have taken the opportunity to ask questions. Some feel more comfortable to share their own story. I'm so thankful to be able to share my journey with others, but saddened by their losses.
A part of my healing process has been to talk about Willow Rose and her death. I know it makes some people uncomfortable, but some have embraced my courage. Some have taken the opportunity to ask questions. Some feel more comfortable to share their own story. I'm so thankful to be able to share my journey with others, but saddened by their losses.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
